[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":78},["ShallowReactive",2],{"post-on-smells-and-how-my-body-is-changing":3},{"id":4,"title":5,"body":6,"categories":65,"date":67,"description":12,"extension":68,"image":69,"meta":70,"navigation":71,"path":72,"seo":73,"stem":74,"tags":75,"__hash__":77},"blog\u002Fblog\u002Fon-smells-and-how-my-body-is-changing.md","on smells, & how my body is changing",{"type":7,"value":8,"toc":61},"minimark",[9,13,16,19,22,25,28,31,34,37,40,43,46,49,52,55,58],[10,11,12],"p",{},"There is a growth on my tongue. It's as if my tongue is swelling to conquer my chest. I feel it pressing the back of my teeth. When I read email, I take breaks to stretch and massage my jaw for the pain. I could choke. There is a chance that my tongue is morphing into another person. A little villain. A not-so-little-as-yesterday Lex Luther.",[10,14,15],{},"My hands are bony. They're not growing. They're shrinking, I feel. My wrists were always small, my hands freakish and rubbery in comparison. But now, they're shrinking. It's fitting, I think. Large tongue, tiny hands. My forehead is secreting the strangest goo.",[10,17,18],{},"Back to my tongue.",[10,20,21],{},"My tongue doesn't taste odd. It's not even a new texture. It's just progressively - daily - occupying more space in my mouth. I don't know why. I wasn't bitten. Was I bitten? No. I wasn't bitten. I didn't bite it. I didn't eat anything strange. I may have swallowed more than I should have. I may have chewed up and swallowed a buncha stuff I should have spit out. I probably shouldn't have even eaten it, now that I think about it, but since I did, I should have just spit it out.",[10,23,24],{},"Now, I'm paying for it. My tongue is rejecting it. Rejecting me. I may have to amputate. Should have thought of that sooner.",[10,26,27],{},"I get phone calls (sometimes), and I feel myself sweating. I pace. I walk a mile in a 10 minute phone call. I start to hyperventilate. I can smell copper. I taste pennies. My cheeks feel red. Like Jaundice. No. Jaundice is yellow. What's red? Peppers. My cheeks feel red. Like a chili pepper. My eyelids are heavy, but won't shut.",[10,29,30],{},"It's just within reach. This thing. This goal.",[10,32,33],{},"It's so close that I can see how far I need to go. Before, I couldn't even see it. It was so far away, that I thought I was closer than i was. Now, I'm close enough to see just far I have to go. I hear smart people say that the more they learn, the more they realize they don't know. It seems smart to agree with them.",[10,35,36],{},"My feet are covered in blisters, and I walk a fraction of what I used to.",[10,38,39],{},"I miss her. I forgave her. Then she hurt me again. I asked her to stop, and she accused me of hurting her on purpose. I just wanted it to stop. All of the hurting each other and the blaming the other for the pain… just want both to stop.",[10,41,42],{},"My feet are sweaty. They're not swollen, just sweaty.",[10,44,45],{},"I wish all this would stop. I wish there were some reason; some excuse for the excess in failure. I wish I could just quit. I wish I had no ambition; no drive. I would be a much happier person, I imagine.",[10,47,48],{},"I wish I expected less. Delivered more. Was more stable. More predictable. More dependable.",[10,50,51],{},"I wish I wasn't so selfish. I was once very selfless. I am not as selfish anymore. At least, I don't think so.",[10,53,54],{},"I'm a freakish, big-tongued, sweaty-footed, hyperventilating, overweight, cross-eyed, vagabond - who is less selfish than I used to be.",[10,56,57],{},"I didn't want this. I'm afraid. I don't laugh as often as I want. I don't cry as often as I probably should. My eyes water, but there are no tears. Not real tears. Crocodile tears with alligator skin and the memory of a hungover elephant.",[10,59,60],{},"I'm tired. I'm too young to be this tired. I'm too old to be this scared. What the hell is that smell?",{"title":62,"searchDepth":63,"depth":63,"links":64},"",2,[],[66],"Fiction","2007-05-18","md","\u002Fuploads\u002Fblog\u002Fon-smells-and-how-my-body-is-changing.webp",{},true,"\u002Fblog\u002Fon-smells-and-how-my-body-is-changing",{"title":5,"description":12},"blog\u002Fon-smells-and-how-my-body-is-changing",[76],"Poetry","3RUK8_hYuxw3hLxHX5c2CtcRfhGGM3A1UsR8kCwm0Uk",1794164769379]